HOW TO RESOLVE......Disagreements that cause emotional and physical separation!

The Top 20 Issues Couples Fight About

There are a few things in the life of your fiancee - intended partner, which he or she will never reveal to you until you are fully married and living together.  Others, you will have to discover by yourself.  So, the first few years of marriage is the most turbulent as the couple try to understand each other and what their beliefs.   

This is why there is a lot of arguments, initial shocks, and disappointment, joy etc that should be well managed in order to save the marriage.  It is this same period that the issue of you doesn't love my parents, you don't care about my own parents used to come up.  If all these are well managed, the couple becomes closer and better, well prepared to build a new home different from that of their parents, after all, no two marriages are the same.

In Christian marriage, the couple joining hands together in holy matrimony knows that, it is 'For better, for worse...Till death do them part' according to the wishes of the Lord.  Divorce is not an option.  

Image result for husband and wife fighting

The Top 20 Issues Couples Fight About

What do most couples fight about?  Here are the 20 most common issues:
  • Money
  • Selfishness
  • Addiction - to Drinking and Gambling
  • Housework
  • Physical Intimacy
  • Extended Family
  • Friends
  • Relatives
  • Neighbors
  • Acceptance of Parents
  • Ex-Lovers
  • Taking her for granted
  • Admiring his friends/her friends
  • Hiding or covering your income and increases
  • Infidelity - suspected intimacy with another person
  • Returning home late regularly
  • Frequent travel outside your location
  • Using the children to against the man/woman
  • Blaming one another
  • Coldness at home - Lack of communication
No to Divorce
This means that everyone is expected to do his part of the marriage covenant to make the marriage godly and sweet.  It means the woman will submit herself unto the husband and the husband will love her more than his mother, money and any other thing precious to desire.  A godly marriage is marriage where the Lord Jesus Christ is the head of the home and the couples do everything as unto the Lord.  They see themselves individually as being before God, and accountable to Him for their actions.  They fear the Lord and do everything to be guided by His word.

Some mature marriages result from two people developing the skills and selflessness needed to address the hard issues in their relationship. They commit their honest hard work and sacrificial love to make the marriage work.  Couples do not argue about forgiveness per se, but forgiveness and lack of it is seen in other ways in the home.  Other issues which is not necessarily the topic of argument include pride, honesty and transparency.  When these qualities are lacking in a person, the spouse will soon discover them and if he/she thinks the person is not willing to change, you will begin to discover emotional separation, disagreements and discontentment.

People are complex. They do not like it when a marriage partner hides something very important from them.  One of the most important steps in building trust in relationship and marriage is to disclose all valuable and important information to your spouse, as much as you can before marriage, and the remaining information after marriage.  

No Secrecy
No sensitive information should be covered from the intending partner, because, when it becomes clear, the partner will feel cheated and used.  That's not a good feeling for married couples.  Such indirectly opens the doors of the marriage to the devil.  I remember a vibrant Sunday School teacher in my former church, many years ago, who married a beautiful sister, and the whole Church was in attendance, because of his dedication to God in the church, but unknown to him, the lady did not tell him, that her womb had been removed.  When the marriage was six months, he discovered his wife had no womb to bear children.  He was so devastated, and could not bear it.   

Meanwhile, another brother met a lady and wanted to marry her by all means.  The lady told him, her womb had been removed in a complex situation, yet the brother said he is not interested in the womb being removed or not.  All he knew was that she will bear children for him.  So they got married and through divine intervention, the lady without womb became pregnant and had a baby and I believe children by now.  Our faith levels are different, but the truth must be said at all times.

Yet, another brother saw a lady and proposed to her and she turned him down, saying she is HI positive and advised him to look elsewhere.  The brother insisted on marrying her.  He said God told him, she was his wife.  They got married and by divine intervention, the woman was healed of HIV and her first child she had before her healing was also HIV negative.  These are things only God can do in the life of His people.  Let's look at some of the issues individually.

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1. Blaming each other

Blaming each other for the troubles in the house, for the arguments, etc.  If it is not stopped henceforth or well managed, it could lead to frustration and 'bad blood'.  Read a husband and wife told a counselor:  "I don't have much hope," Patty said. "I'm willing to change, but he isn't. I know that if he would stop being so angry, life would be a whole lot better. He just hates the world — and me. Nothing I do pleases him. I've tried to tell him how hard it is to live with him, but he just doesn't get it. He only cares about himself."

"You're always blaming me, like you're the great Christian woman, and I'm nothing. I've made lots of changes and what do I get for it? You know, just once I'd like to come home from work and think you were really happy to see me. Just once! If you'd act like a wife for a change and not be so cold and judgmental —don't look at me like that, you know what I mean. 

2. Drinking
Alcohol addiction is never a long term problem for a man that is born again from the heart.  He may be drinking before he received Christ, but gradually, he would leave drinking, smoking and whatever associated vices.  This is especially so, if he belong to a bible believing church that knows that drunkenness is sin and that drinking alcohol is a heavyweight.  Personally, I don't believe in counseling people how to drink.  That man should stop drinking, and in the place of drinking, he should drink water or soft drink.  His wife can help him in a lot of ways.

3. “You take me for granted.”
It’s very wrong to take the opinion of your spouse for granted.  Over and over again, men and women in marriage have had to take revenge steps because they were ignored by their souses.  The man should listen to his wife and feel what she is feeling.  The same for women.  Except you are deceiving yourself, the man cannot be happy in the house and be dancing, while the wife is sad and crying.  It does not work that way.  If the issue has to do with intimacy, it should be taken seriously.

4. “What happened to our sex life?”
Married people should not deny themselves sex, except for a few days or weeks to enable them fast and pray.  Intimacy is one of the purposes of marriage, and any of the couples that refuse to meet the spouse is in error.  “One spouse may think, ‘We haven’t made love in two months so clearly you don’t love me anymore’ or ‘He doesn’t respect the work that I do to keep our house and family functioning well,’” she said. “And once you start telling yourself these things (without checking them out first) you’ll begin to find evidence of how the stories are true.

“It’s oftentimes the man who feels frustrated because his wife seems to have lost interest in having sex with him,” and the reason is because Women’s sexual needs are more complex. Maybe he’s not helping her get into the mood with enough foreplay or maybe he hasn’t been emotionally available and responsive to her in general.  However, a wife who focuses on her husband’s faults and often criticizes him can end up with a husband who’s lost interest in sex with her.”

5. “You use the kids against me.”
This is a serious matter, even as it is a reality in many homes today. Couples who have fought for long years without success, end up dividing their own homes into two sides.  The man and his people supporting him on one side, the wife is on another side, with her siblings and family supporting her. These couples try to turn their children into allies instead of working out their differences constructively with their spouses.

6. Effective Communication
This is one of the most delicate issues in marriage.  Effective communication removes doubt and every mistrust between the couple.  There is no assumptions, you ask questions and get answers to whatever things that are happening in the family, that you don't understand.  

Where there is effective communication, the wife will not have to ask a third party (The husband's sibling or parents) to know what the husband is planning to do.  It is based on transparency and honesty openness.  You are not hiding anything from your spouse and you are not afraid he/she will disappoint you in the future.


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