LADIES........Establish Love before seeking Marriage!

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Ladies, establish love before seeking marriage

Marriage can be a great experience when you meet the right person. How do you know you have met the right person - When and where to find such a person.

Love is the icings of the cake in every relationship and in life. Everyone is looking for love, but love is very elusive because it cannot be bought with money, it cannot be manufactured and supplied to people seeking it and so, it cannot be controlled. Love is very costly and as such scarce.

Love is transparent: Love requires that you reveal your true self to another person without any fears as to whether he would accept and love you are you are. We all want to be loved and appreciated, but without revealing yourself to the other person, love will be hard to establish. This is why a famous author C.S Lewis said that "To love at all is to be vulnerable” Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken, if you want to make sure it is intact, you must give it to no one"?

Love is sacrificial - meaning that love requires a lot of sacrifices to succeed and where there is love without sacrifice, such love can be easily frustrated.

Love is never hidden. It could be a complex issue, but whenever you fall in love, you will know.  However, you do not know whether the other person is in love with you.  This is why when a lady finds love, over night, she will close every other relationship and focus on the man that has shown her love and care that she cannot deny.

Love comes in different packages; some people in love do quickly want to move the relation to the next level, whether it is the man or the lady.  This is why it appears sometimes that ladies push their lover too hard for marriage.  The reason is that they are in love.  So there is a frequency that comes with love. If the lady is ready and prepared, the marriage can be consummated within months.

A matured sister looking  to get married should do the following:

1. Do a self assessment of yourself and your relationship experiences and decide on areas of your lifestyle that need amendment, aspects of your behaviour that must be laid to rest, the ones that need improvement.  Decide on the areas of life you should seek knowledge to improve yourself generally.

2.  Marriage is a journey of commitments and so you should consider what you're bringing to the table that will support the marriage. For the avoidance of doubt, the lady should bring on the table, her unconditional love for God and her spouse, virtues of hard work and submissiveness, skills and other qualities,Godly attributes of faith in God and His Word, prayerfulness and fear of God.

Where you need additional skills and competencies, don't hesitate to acquire such additional skills. If you're a civil servant,get a vocational skill in trading or distribution business, hairdressing, tailoring, catering, rental and sowing etc. If you desire to further your education, please do so. Marriage is an unpredictable journey of life that anything can happen to change calculations.

3. Determine what you want in a man/Husband. You must spend some quality time detailing the qualities you need in a man that will marry you. This exercise is not easy, but if you can do it, you will rediscover yourself the more. It should be done in faith without doubting, because you're not the one that will do it, but God.

Do not ask God for Husband or Wife without specifying exactly what you want in such a person.  You want a musician, Pastor, Footballer, Pilot, School Proprietor, Evangelist etc.  Let me give you a secret, if you are His own at the time of your request, begin to sing for joy, He will send you such a person.  It means that you are prepared to cooperate with one of of His children in the work of the kingdom in family upbringing, teaching the young ones, evangelism....etc.

God has everything you can ever desire, so don't limit yourself in any way, put your faith to work. If you don't do this, how would you know when your Mr appears? 

4. Decide the borders of your relationships with men and women and make sure you keep to the terms you have specified. Guide your borders strictly and be firm in warding-off intruders and other undesirable distractions. Maintain a professional attitude to appointment, time management; no late nights. no sex till your real man comes, no alcohol, no clubbing, no night visit to any guy, no hugging or kissing.

5. Decide to carry your body in honour always - that means no scanty dressing, no to extremely tight clothes, no amorous dressing. Also, no worldly songs and videos etc. 

6. Desire Godly men.  Men who will add to your spiritual progress.  If you desire a godly man, that desire will help you shift away canal men that will come to you first - some motivated by your good looks and shape - This type will spent a whole caressing you, others by your beauty and intelligence and others by your modest achievement in academics or financially. 

Godly brothers will exhibited godly characters all the time.  He will be a prayer addict, kingdom worker with strong commitment, honest, humble and hard-working.  You will notice that with all the money and academic qualifications he has achieved, his trust is in God for both promotion and over all progress in life.

When the guy comes, the following steps may yet be necessary:

1. Try to understand him - As you engage and interact with him, ask pertinent questions that will help you understand him. Find out his vision and the kind of future he is working towards. Find out about his family, his position in the family as well as his functional position of importance. Discover who his hero is. Who he is aspiring to be like and who is mentoring him. Who is his spiritual father. 

If you can understand him, his vision, then you will be in a better to advice, cheer him up and encourage him. He would also discern your intelligent and importance. In most cases, He would become more open with you, thereby making him available to be understood.

2. Observe Trends: - Observe his language of appreciation and his openness and know what his motivation is - love or lust. You don't have the time to waste on unproductive relationship. Hear me sisters. if he guy is seriously motivated by your looks, your physical outlook and shape, then he is motivated by lust. Very soon, he will be asking you to visit and cook for him, thereafter he would ask for sex. He would not easily discuss his future plans. You will get regular close-of-work hour and night calls from such a canal mind.

If he is in love, he will be open in many areas, would like to meet your friends, know whether you're engaged with anyone. He will call you more often and discuss tangible issues, not how beautiful your pictures on Facebook are. He will be interested in your career, future and so on.

3. Try to establish compatibility: - This is very critical for the success of the marriage. Compatibility here means that both of you agree and share the same belief and goal on many areas of interest. I was writing the final level examination of Institute of Chartered Accountants of Nigeria when I met my wife, an accounting undergraduate. Professionally, we are compatible.

Compatibility means that both of you have same aspiration on certain issues. I knew a young banker who was interested in farming as an entrepreneur. The day he met a graduate who believed in farming as a viable business, he said he knew he had met his wife. 

Compatibility reduces arguement at home, and with few argument at home, there will be peace. You can check for compatibility in many areas including:

1. Education- Are you both graduates?
2. Economic status: Are you both working?
3. Family: Which status -  poor, middle class or wealthy.
4. Culture: Same tribe/language; same state, LGA?
5. Profession: Are you doing the same business e.g farming, marketing, sales & distribution business.
6. Vision for the future: Areas of interest.
7. Number of children desired: Are you on one page?
8. Christian serve: Are you both ministers?
9. Leisure/hobby: Do you share common hobby.

Compatibility is a subjective issue, but sisters are encouraged to shine their eyes. Live the Christian lifestyle of chastity and love and internalize them.

4. Get Serious:

Think less in terms of sex, marriage is more than sex.  When you have developed your spirit man, you have the grace to stay without sex for months, even for years.
Let him know you have a vision and future plan for self and family.

Show interest in his vision and efforts, support him in every way possible without giving him money. Don't give money to your husband to be.  If he has, let him give you.

Maintain your discipline; avoid cooking at home and taking to him. Don't entertain late night visits or dates. Make no strenuous financial demands on him.

Make sure you have dropped your "spinster jacket".  No drinking of alcohol, excess makeups etc. Avoid the the trap of regular visit to his house and cooking for him. If you fall to the pressure that other ladies big and small fall to, then you're not different and soon the man may take advantage of you.

Be practically responsible - Learn to carry your body in honour. Love yourself for who you are, love your beauty, and hold yourself in high esteem.  No scanty dresses. Get active and serve God actively in your local church group. When you become active in the church group, their activities will fill up your idle time.

It is your duty to discern over  time if the young man is ready to settle down. If he is not ready to settle down, throwing yourself at him will not produce any result. This is why sex should be excluded in your preliminary relationship. Tell your emotion to keep quite. No manipulations. 

Part of your spiritual preparation for marriage include personal deliverance, which the couple should do jointly or separately. It removes hidden obstacles to your marriage, in the same way as it does for new converts who just gave their lives to Christ.

Foundational deliverance

Foundational deliverance address hidden problems like evil dedications and the hands of any strongman or woman. Many people ignore deliverance and continue their lives as they have always live to their hurt.  This is why, after marriage, you still see men and women maintaining strong contact and relationship with their former lovers because the spirit of lust is still living in them.

Any lady can get married, but only those who are ready to obey the word of God concerning marriage, submit to their husband and walk in love that will enjoy the marriage.  I pray for you, that God Almighty will help you to prepare well for marriage and marry your own better half.

What does the Bible say about Marriage?

Marriage is planned by God to be a happy experience for both men and women.  It is a union of a man with his wife under God.  This was why God would always visit them in the garden of Eden before the fall of man. 

When God ordained the first marriage, He saw how beautiful the Union was and blessed them.  In Genesis 1:28 - God blessed them. And God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth.”

By that divine arrangement, therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. The man was to love his wife, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, ’and the woman should submit to her own husband, as to the Lord. The marriage is to be respected by both of them, and be held in honor among all, the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous. (Math 19:5, Ephesians 5:22, 25, Hebrew 13:4)

By these scriptures, the woman submitting to her husband is a service unto the Lord, and not necessarily because the husband is more intelligent or brave, but to allow the plan of God be established in the marriage.  God had ordained the man as the head of the home and blessed His arrangement, but if you overturn God's arrangement, the glory of God would depart from the marriage.

This is why I keep saying that every marriage is a ministry under God.  The wife submits to her own husband, as she would submit to Christ, so in submitting, loving her husband and the children, in building her home with the Word of the Lord, she is serving the Lord.

Another important issue in marriage seen from the scriptures is that all men should honour the institution of marriage, and do nothing to pollute or destroy it.  This statement is directed to men and women outside the home, to take their evil eyes and hands off married couple. No man should knowingly seek to defile a married woman, no matter how careless she may be, the man should fear God and honour the institution of marriage.  In the same vein, let no woman seek friendship with a married man, to divert him and take his affection away from his wife and destroy the marriage, it is evil, and God Himself will judge all adulterers.

God hates divorce and in 1 Corinthians 7:39, the bible says "A wife is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord". So the couples in marriage are encouraged to be united in the spirit as well as in the physical.  They have become one.  

The Lord saw the loneliness in the life of Adam and said “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.”  But these arrangement of God could be frustrated if the two people in marriage are not in agreement.  I dare to add here, that many successful marriages evolve from a united couple, who love themselves and share common beliefs and see themselves as children of God, who are accountable to Him for their individual and collective actions.  The bible asked a question in Amos 3:3 - “Do two walk together, unless they have agreed to meet?  


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