My Father-in-Law asked my wife to return.....After an argument

6 Ways To Win Your Father-In-Law’s Heart - 001


Complaint - Pastor, I had an argument with my wife of 6 months over some issues relating to her family.  She thinks her father is a saint and I disagreed with that.  The man is a knight in one of the orthodox churches in Nigeria. He does not care about the things of God.  He has three chieftancy titles, include a native Nze tittle.

The first day I disagreed with her over her father, she was very angry, but she continued to say her father is righteous without minding my opinion on the matter.  Just recently, we had another heated debate, she keep saying I should not mention her father's name. I told her the father was not even born again, the all hell was let loose.  

She picked her phone and called the father crying and the father just asked her to pack her bags and return to his house.  What should I do?  -  John.

Introduction - In law relationship

Your relationship with your in-laws can affect your own relationship with your spouse and people around you.  It may even affect your ability to staying together in peace.  Relationship with Inlaws can be simple or clumsy, depending on your ability to relate with the elderly.

Many father-in laws are culturally inclined.  There are aspects of their culture they have come to identify with, so they are influenced by these cultural beliefs of their people , and in Nigeria, issues of marriages goes back to the culture of the wife's parents.  In my place, for instance, the men do not pass the night in the inlaw's house.  When the man is not at home, he must have traveled to a far place.  So, watch the culture of the inlaws you are relating with.  I can go visiting my inlaws as many times as I can, but I won't necessarily sleep over at their place, because I am a man of my own, with my own family.

Whether you adore your partner's parents or barely tolerate your in-laws, your rapport with them can have lasting effects on your relationship and peace at home. In fact, according to new research, it could even predict how long the marriage will last.  If there is constant fight over in-laws, that refuse to go, it will threaten the marriage.

Types of Inlaw
As children of God, born again, one of the challenging issues we encounter in marriage is having in laws that are not born again.  Many of them are christians, but not saved.  So, they are devoted to the word of God as a standard for their lives.  They understand the word of God, but they are ready to abandon it for their cultural beliefs, when it suits them.  if your in-laws are in darkness, even if your wife is born again, you will still have issues with time.  Unbelieving inlaws will have different opinion on important issues concerning the faith.  So, it is in your interest not to get them involved in many of your family issues.

Personally, I think that relationships with your in-laws can be a little tricky. And, there's no doubt that the dynamic varies greatly from family to family. Some accept new spouses into their circle with open arms, while others view significant others as a threat — someone who's there to steal their beloved son or daughter away.

In a Christian marriage, when there is disagreement, we discuss it with God individually through prayer.  We search the scriptures for the mind of God concerning the matter and handle the matter with love and care. Whatever the Word of God says concerning the matter is the final.  We encourage and remind each other to accept what the scriptures say concerning the matter and obey the word. In marriage, the spiritual knowledge and maturity of individual people will come to play.  If you love the Lord and obey His words and instructions in the bible will be seen.  Your maturity, patience and understanding will be on display.  They will be seen in the decisions and actions you take in marriage.  Marriage will test every aspect of your belief in the word with time.

Disagreements, should never be reported to the inlaws or parents, when Christ is the head of the marriage.  But, if you choose to report your disagreement to your inlaws, get ready for its escalation.  Many parents are known to judge matters canally, in favour of their son or daughter, though they know the opposite is true.  Parents will favour their children and the marriage could be spitted between the two of you, each person having his own parents behind him or her...NO!  That's not how a Christian marriage is run.

The couple are expected to prove they are believers and individually know the Word by living the Word.The wife submits to the husband, as she would submit to Christ, not necessarily because the husband is strong and rich, but because that's God's arrangement for the marriage.  The husband loves the wife, not because she is pretty and cooks well.  I have seen a situation where the man thinks the wife is looking so much urgly after having baby, but she is still his wife.  She should be loved as before and treated with respect and love.

In Christian marriage, the parents are respected and honoured, but not allowed to interfere in the affairs of the family, except the couples are too young to take their own decision.  Involving the inlaws all the time will spell doom for the marriage.  There are decisions of the new family that will spark-off envy, there are others, that will spark off controversy, if you discuss them with your inlaws before it is taken.  The decision to relocate to a far state will annoy your inlaws, because they will not be seeing their daughter very often, after your relocation.

Brother John, It's obvious you are marrying a daddy's daughter.

Having said that, it is important to say that it is quite normal for a six months marriage to have argument and disagreements.  This is because both of you needed to know yourselves better. Knowing yourselves and your beliefs will make disagreements like this one a thing of the past as you live together for more years.

Whatever thoughts, you have about your inlaws, be ready to adjust them with new information and evidence, showing the opposite of what you think.  If you think your inlaw is a hard man, and sees and hears of his kind and humble deeds, be ready to change your mind about him. The same for your other inlaws.

Men are usually sensitive about any negative remarks about their mother, while many women will not tolerate any negative pranks about her parents (mother and father).  The man can keep the matter with him alone, while the woman may not be able to keep the remarks personal.  If she does that, it is a gesture for the meantime.  Any other time, issues come up and gets heated-up, her emotions will flare up and she could easily 'download' all those comments to her brother or sister, who will thereafter tell the parents.  This is usually, how the trouble, anger and bitterness of inlaws against their son in-law start.

For the time being, accept that your wife's father is a saint...After all, only God know the heart of man. Remember that women are more emotional about issues.  She gave you a 'flash' of her emotion the first day, but you did not get the message.

The first six months is always challenging as both of you try to understand your likes and dislikes, set priorities and make your position on many issues known. So, it is a time to be patient and careful with words you speak to each other.

You should steer the 'ship' of the house in a healthy and accommodating way, but if it feels like you guys are fighting more often, then you are both insensitive and, you are not considering the effect of your words on the other person. I will recommend you spend more time with the word of God, and gradually learn to have daily study and meditation on the word.  Strong words can damage respect that you both have for yourselves.  Strong words may not mean strong personality, it may instead mean you are still strongly attached to the world and the trends of the world.

Strong words come with condemnation and comparing your spouse to another person, your marriage with another marriage, which should never be the case for children of God.  Perhaps, it is time you resume your family duties as the spiritual head of the home.  It is time for you dig deep into the scriptures and know what the bible says about marriage and how to love your wife. Despite the disagreement, you are not permitted to discuss your marriage and issues of your home with your mum or anyone else.  

Cherish Her - Even if you are a saint, your wife is a woman, love and appreciate her always. women need such attention and care all the time. Loving a woman starts with the attention and care you extend to her, how you appreciate her person and her efforts in the house. Assure her that you are on her side, that her opinions matter to you.  Incidentally, both of your have crossed some bounds, so you may not be able to insist that your opinion should be accepted.  She would have to win this argument for the sake of unity at home.

She remains the first lady and not even your mother can take her place. As in every believing home, no secrecy is allowed. No secret accounts and money transfers.  Hide nothing from your wife and she will hopefully open up all things to you. 

Your Inlaws Holds the Second Key - 

Learn to Love and cherish your father and mother-in-laws - They are holding the second key of the marriage, especially in the first three years of the marriage.  The women would always speak to their parents, daily.  But the men do not have such time, so know that your opinions about your inlaws will eventually get to them through your wife.  She may not tell her parents directly, but indirectly through any of her siblings she is close to.

While you both are waiting for children, be careful about the opinion you express about your inlaws.  Make sure there is no bias and keep some of them to yourself. Avoid expressing hard opinions about your inlaws, they can easily separate you and your wife if you continue in that path. Help your wife to love your mother, pray more for your wife and inlaws.  Pray for love in the family, and you will have peace and live in peace.

Dynamics of In law relationship

Marriage requires patience and maturity, and christian marriage requires much more.  It requires sacrificial love, willingness to obey the word of God and live by it.  There is a recent study about marriage relationship, which discovered that men are less likely to worry that their in-laws are interfering in their relationship. 

Men tend to identify as a provider first and a father and husband second, so they don't find their in-laws' input particularly threatening.  The research found out that  "Close in-law ties between a husband and his wife's parents are reinforcing to women and connect him to her," According to one of the respondents,  "When a husband gets close to his wife's parents, this says to her: 'Your family is important to me because I care about you. I want to feel closer to them because it makes me feel closer to you.' And of course, that makes us as women feel really good."  

Being a daughter-in-law can be much trickier. On one hand, a woman may be more likely to form a bond with a man's parents when she wants to change something about him or get him to agree with her about an aspect of child-rearing -- essentially, trying to get his parents on her "side." This closeness can result in a unified front against the husband and, as you might imagine, is apt to infuriate the man.

The study found in-law ties to be very stressful for women.  "If women are close to their in-laws, especially early in marriage, this interferes with or prevents them from forming a unified and strong bond with their husband," she said. "Also, since women are constantly analyzing and trying to improve their relationships, they often take what their in-laws say as personal and can't set the clear boundaries."

Here are some tips for getting along with your in-laws and strengthening your relationship with your wife.

Keep things cordial. Don't insult your in-laws, even behind their backs. If you have an issue with them, know that each person has his life to life, and nobody is perfect.  Your father in law has a history and his story to tell.  If he is a successful man, an industrialist, politician etc, you should know, there is a way they relate with younger people, which could influence his behaviour towards you until he realizes that you are not just another young man, but his son inlaw. 

Talk reasonably to your partner. Even if your spouse complains about his or her parents, stay quiet. No one likes having their parents bashed.

Get to know them closely. Don't limit face time with your in-laws to the holidays, when everyone may be feeling more stressed. Spend time with them socially on occasion, and get acquainted with them as people. Be there at every important family event like marriage of their other children, some important family get together, celebrations of your in-laws birthday and wedding anniversary events.This is especially important if you're a man, because caring for your wife's parents shows her that you care for her, too.

Additional Matters
There are many areas that young couples will have to come to terms with in their marriage, resolve and move on.  Some of those areas include:

1. What do we spend the money on?
Study after study shows that apart from money and sex, other issues young couple fight over include accommodation, a bigger accommodation or not, does the kitchen need to be renovation? 

How much should be sent home monthly to cater for aged parents. Are there younger ones in the family of the wife that are still in school.  If there are younger sibblings of your wife in school, you must as a matter of urgency start bank rolling the school fees and other expenses.  

Failure to do this in Igboland, where I come from is seen as almost a sin against your inlaws.  It shows you do not care about helping them and relieving their burden.  Even when they are comfortable, you will do well to train their child in school as their inlaw.

What you spend money on reveals your values and priorities. The most common couple pairing is for someone who likes to save, to be with someone who wants to spend. Savers and spenders tend to attract one another ... then fight about it.

2. How often do we have sex?
This should not be a problem.  You do not want to be in a sex-starved marriage.  Sex is part of the marriage package, except that nowadays, some people take drugs that turn them to sex addicts, but this should not be case with believers.  Sex everyday is an indication of problem as the pressures on the other partner will explode some day.

3. Where are we spending Christmas?
The role of family members and extended family in a relationship is critical ...  and tricky. Holidays are extra hard because where you spend which one impacts a lot of people--the two of you but also your parents, grandparents, etc. 

4. Who's doing the dishes?
Sharing household responsibilities is a common source of stress, especially if things aren't clear. Who takes out the trash? Who's in charge of the finances? Who deals with household stuff like fixing and repairing things at home.  When it comes to chores, "One person almost always feels like they're carrying more of the load than the other."

The best way to deal is to have an explicit conversation about household responsibilities as soon as you move in together. Agree to be responsible for certain things and see how it goes. If it's not working, have another talk. Be proactive and don't be afraid to get into the details.

5. What are you doing on your phone?
Technology. Social media. Distracted thinking. These are the consequences of a constantly-connected world, and it impacts couples in an intimate way. It can be painful to feel ignored, which is a common feeling when your partner is on his or her phone while you're together.

Action to take:

Let your wife know you appreciate her father and holds the entire family in high esteem.  Take the matter to God in prayer for an amicable resolution. Make God the head of your marriage, lead your family by example, be patient with your wife and cherish your portion will be rich at home all the time!


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